


The Light Reflecting

by TRASHCAKE



Series: Anaclitic: The Mental Ward AU [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 14:23:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4183164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TRASHCAKE/pseuds/TRASHCAKE
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyungsoo's pretty smile is a bandaid for Jongin's broken existence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Light Reflecting

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Detailed description of panic attacks, Anxiety, Depression. There is mild self harm (scratching) but no character death.

Jongin feels as if someone has stuck their arms into his chest, invisible appendages grasping handfuls of lung. It aches, it burns, and sometimes when the excessive hyperventilation makes him dizzy, he can almost make out the flesh of someone else’s arm protruding from his ribs. It’s a physical manifestation of his anxiety that he uses to rationalise his otherwise irrational fears.  
He drags his nails down the expanse of his forearms, desperately trying to claw into the skin; he’s terrified and uncomfortable and maybe, just maybe, if he digs his nails deep enough Jongin can pick the fear out from under his nails, along with the skin and blood he draws away in the attempt.

He vaguely registers the jingle of keys through the white noise in his head. He hears a voice but has no idea what it’s saying. All he can see and hear and feel is nothing but _fear fear fear_. Jongin feels like he’s going to die.

But suddenly there’s the warmth of a palm on his back and a hushing noise in his ear. Jongin clings to the source of the warmth and the voice and he feels a little safer, a little more grounded. He’s aware of the tears dripping down his cheeks and soaking the shirt of his care giver. He can feel the sting from where his nails dragged too deep. His panic is subsiding. Jongin still wants to die.

“It’s okay, it’s all going to be okay.” There’s that voice again in his ear, but now Jongin recognises it as Taemin; his flatmate and friend. Only friend. Jongin begins to sob harder out of pure exhaustion while his left leg twitches rapidly. Taemin’s hand rests on his thigh as it shakes, continuing to whisper calming words as Jongin comes down off the adrenaline from the attack.

“What caused this one?” Taemin asks gently. Magically procuring tissues from his bag, he begins to dry the tears on Jongin’s cheeks.

“I tried to check the mail.” And the change is instantaneous. Taemin breathes deeply, dropping the tissue to the floor of Jongin’s already messy room. 

“You didn’t even leave the house today? You didn’t even try?” He’s livid and barely controlling it. It’s not the first time Jongin’s abandoned responsibility to stay at home. His patience is thin. 

“I couldn’t! You know that. It’s not something I can control!” Jongin’s close to tears again, nerves shot from the anxiety and the fear of confrontation. 

“You could try, you know. Or at least do the dishes if you’re going to stay home all the time.” 

“I just… I can’t okay, Taemin. Sometimes I can’t get out of bed, sometimes I can’t get out of the house. It’s so hard to deal with, sometimes. You just don’t understand.”

“It’s harder on me than it is on you. I work, I study, I see Naeun and I come home to a pigsty where my house should be. Jongin, man. You gotta pull your act together.” He makes his way towards the door, not even sparing a glance as he passes into the hallway. 

“Whatever.” He slams the door he walks away.

It’s not as easy as Taemin makes it out to be. Jongin’s good days are few and far between; nestled between the months when he can’t leave the house, can’t get out of bed, can’t bring himself to do anything but stare at the posters on his wall as he watches the light slowly fade into dusk and darkness as the day progresses.

Jongin is exhausted and angry. 

There’s nothing he can do except go back to bed. 

✄ ✄ ✄ 

The sun dawns on a new day and Jongin awakes to motivation he hasn’t felt in weeks. Peeling the blankets from his body, bathing and eating a proper meal feels like less of a chore. Somewhere in between his shower and his breakfast, Jongin finds himself dressed and armed with textbooks as he prepares for a day at university. 

Taemin raises a sceptical eyebrow at Jongin as they pass in the hallway, but remains otherwise silent. The tension in the apartment is palpable, neither party forgetting the conflict and harsh words exchanged the previous night, opting to avoid conversation lest another argument arises. 

It’s days like these where Jongin is glad for the distraction of classes; while the crowds and the pressure of university wreak havoc on his shot nerves, the option of staying at home all day with a passive-aggressive Taemin is a situation he’d rather avoid. Besides, he thinks to himself while on the train, his anxiety isn’t too bad today, and the chatter of strangers during his morning commute act to soothe his overwhelming loneliness.

The vast amount of people attending the lecture makes his palms sweat and heart race, Jongin struggles to regulate his breathing while chanting “I’m okay” in his head and under his breath, pushing past people to find an unoccupied corner of the lecture theatre in order to sit. His books stay forgotten in his bag as the hall fills, groups of people filing in and closing in on his secluded corner. 

A thump to his left almost makes him jump out of his chair. 

“Sorry!” the perpetrator of the loud noise addresses him sheepishly “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

The voice belongs to a fellow student, young and wide-eyed, well dressed with a boyish haircut, dark bangs brushing his forehead. 

He’s the first person, excluding Taemin, to talk to Jongin in months. 

“It’s fine.” Jongin inwardly pats himself on the back for replying coherently. Today is a good day. 

“Did you bring the handout? Professor Kim says it’s important for this lecture.” The stranger seems not to notice Jongin’s discomfort. 

“I… I forgot.” 

“It’s okay, I accidentally printed two. You can have my spare.” The stranger smiles at him, wide and vaguely heart shaped. His eyes crinkle and Jongin’s heart stops. He’s beautiful. Jongin’s perception of beauty is limited to the light as it reflects off his posters in the late afternoon, but somehow this boy with his smile can’t even compare. He’s beautiful beyond words. 

He’s beautiful beyond words and looking at Jongin imploringly. Right. Human interaction. He’s supposed to reply.

“Uh… thanks.” he moves to take the offered paper from the stranger’s hand, carefully positioning his fingers to avoid skin to skin contact. Touching people, no matter how attractive, is pretty high on Jongin’s list of Things That Are Not Okay.

Uncomfortable silence falls as the stranger busies himself with arranging his notes and pens on the little fold out desk in front of him. Jongin can feel his eyes on him as he tries to read over the content for the lecture. He’s completely lost, but he’s not sure if it’s because he’s so far behind, or because the handsome stranger next to him is looking for cues to make conversation. 

“So… I don’t see you in class all that often.” the stranger speaks nonchalantly, but there’s an edge of curiosity to his voice. 

“I get sick pretty easily.” Jongin offers as a mumbled response, shrugging as he replies. 

He feels bad for lying to the stranger. It’s not the full truth but there’s an element of it there; he doesn’t need to know that his frequent illness is more of a mental nature rather than physical.

“So you’ve missed a lot of class?” is his reply, and Jongin doesn’t know how to act with the attention fully on him. Even Taemin does something else while talking to him- watching TV, texting his girlfriend, typing up notes. 

“I guess. I’m pretty behind.” he replies. 

“Oh, do you need a study partner? I can help you catch up, give you notes when you miss a class.” he’s smiling again, and Jongin manages to offer one in return before turning away awkwardly. 

“Uh… that would be… nice. Thanks.” he says to his desk. He can’t manage both conversation and eye contact. Not today.

“Okay! Give me your phone, I’ll put my number in for you.” Jongin passes his phone over, and the stranger pauses to look at his home screen; a selca of Jongin and Taemin, taken in a cafe during one of Jongin’s good days. 

“There.” the stranger hands his phone back. “Don’t forget to text me!” the Professor begins his lecture and the ever polite Jongin can’t bring himself to talk over him. Nodding in reply, he stares at the name of his new contact. 

Kyungsoo. 

 

✄ ✄ ✄ 

 

“It’s not like you to go out, what’s the big occasion?” enquires Taemin from the couch, eyes on his laptop. 

“Meeting up with a classmate to study.” Jongin replies as he slips his shoes on. 

The steady clicking of keys stops as Taemin turns to look at him. 

“You’re voluntarily studying. You’re voluntarily leaving the house. You’re voluntarily speaking to someone who isn’t me or your mother. When you contact the Mothership, tell the Aliens I want my best friend back.”

“I- Shut up. He’s hard to say no to.” replies Jongin, remembering Kyungsoo’s demanding text messages for a meeting that very afternoon. 

“I see. He must be cute, then.” Taemin smirks. Jongin blushes. 

“Well yeah, but he- urgh. Stop looking at me like that! I’ll be home later.” 

“Tell me how your date goes!” Taemin’s cackles follow him out the door. Jongin is equal parts annoyed at his friend, and glad they’re talking again. 

Still, Taemin’s words put ideas in his head that really shouldn’t be there. He can barely handle friendships, let alone relationships; especially with people as wonderful and attractive as Kyungsoo. 

Jongin’s usual mantra of _It’s Okay_ becomes _It’s Not a Date_ as he rides the bus to the coffee shop on campus. 

 

 

 

_It’s not a date It’s not a date It’s not a date It’s not a date_

Shit, this feels like a date. 

Especially when Kyungsoo smiles at him like that, eyes hooded and lips curled around the brim of his mug. 

“You never told me your name, by the way. You just sent me a text asking when I was free.” 

Kyungsoo looks at him curiously. Jongin blushes wildly, remembering the text he sent in a rush straight after class. He knew that if he left it much later, he’d lose the nerve to message Kyungsoo. As it was, sending the brief “Hey, when do you want to meet?” nearly launched him into a full fledged panic attack. 

“Jongin.” he replies. “My name is Jongin.”

“Cute name for a cute guy” replies Kyungsoo effortlessly, _It’s Not a Date It’s Not a Date It’s Not a Date_ “Now, Ancient Rome…”

The start of his sentence is drowned out by the blood rushing in Jongin’s ears, and if he knows himself well enough, to his cheeks as well. 

“Hey, pay attention!” Kyungsoo bats at his arm playfully, and Jongin is still too preoccupied by the ‘cute’ comments to freak out about the skin contact. “I’m trying to tell you why the Plebians were awesome and totally not an insult, and you zoned out on me.” 

“Uh.. sorry, I’m a little distracted today” Jongin rubs the back of his neck sheepishly, staring blankly at the other side of the room. 

Kyungsoo follows Jongin’s gaze.

“Ahh. That’s Taeyeon. Lovely girl, too bad she’s taken.” Kyungsoo says solemnly. Jongin blinks in confusion. He honestly hadn’t noticed the group of girls studying by the window. 

“Oh, sorry I didn’t realise I was- Is she your girlfriend?” 

“Taeyeon? God no. She’s dating my roommate. He’s studying to be a psych nurse. She was the TA for one of his courses, and it was love at first sight. Well, for him, apparently.” Kyungsoo chuckles. “It was annoying, really. Hearing Baekhyun go on and on about his pretty TA for an entire semester. But it turns out she was crushing on him, too, for God knows what reason. She asked him out the second the exam was finished. Happy endings for everyone.”

Kyungsoo turns his attention to Jongin once more, poking his arm. This time Jongin flinches, though from the contact or the force of the poke he’s not sure. 

“They’re really cute, so don’t try and get between them, Mr. Pretty Boy.” 

“I- What- I’m not- I was staring into space, not at her” Jongin scrambles defensively. 

“Suuuure.” Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to believe him.

“I- I’m not- I- I’m gay!” Jongin immediately regrets his words, he hasn’t even come out to his mother, and he’s just told Kyungsoo, who is essentially a stranger- 

“Me too.” and suddenly Kyungsoo’s doing that smiling thing again, the one that makes Jongin’s heart stop. The pretty smile that Jongin can only compare to the afternoon sun, the first thing in a long time that’s made him feel something other than soul crushing emptiness. 

“Now that we’ve cleared that up, can we get back to the Plebians? It’s going to be on the exam, you know.” 

Jongin nods weakly, and tries not to flinch as Kyungsoo’s ankle brushes against his under the table. 

✄ ✄ ✄ 

It’s not long before Jongin attaches the word “friend” to Kyungsoo. It’s not long before Taemin starts referring to Kyungsoo as Jongin’s boyfriend, watching in delight as he splutters unattractively. Thankfully, Taemin isn’t that much of an asshole to do it in Kyungsoo’s company, a fact for which Jongin is eternally grateful. Indeed, the smaller male has wormed himself between into both Jongin’s life and personal space in a ridiculously short amount of time. But Jongin can’t find it within himself to mind at all. 

Taemin, especially, doesn’t mind, nearly crash tackling Kyungsoo to the ground the first time he enters their shared apartment yelling “He cleaned his room for you! Do you know how long it’s been since he’s cleaned? He even did the dishes! Thank you!” before leaving the two to their “alone time” (complete with exaggerated wink at Jongin while Kyungsoo wasn’t looking). 

Baekhyun, on the other hand, doesn’t hide his exaggerated winking when Jongin arrives at Kyungsoo’s apartment for a study session. 

“So, you’re the infamous Jongin who's stealing my man?” 

“Shut up Baekhyun. Just because Taeyeon thought we were dating doesn’t mean everyone else does.” Jongin laughs as Baekhyun pouts. Jongin doesn’t even flinch as Kyungsoo grabs his wrist and drags Jongin to his room. 

“So… Ancient Rome?” starts Kyungsoo, opening his text books and motioning for Jongin to take a seat. 

“Yeah, Ancient Rome.” he replies and Kyungsoo smiles at him. It never gets any less beautiful. 

 

✄ ✄ ✄ ✄

 

“All we do is study. We only see each other when we’re talking about Romans. I’m sick of Romans, let’s do something else.” Kyungsoo pipes one day during a study session at Jongin’s apartment. Taemin, as per usual, had mysterious “other things” to do when Kyungsoo arrived, leaving the two to study in the lounge room. 

“Uh, sure… what do you have in mind?” Jongin is apprehensive at the thought of other activities. Studying is safe, studying is comfortable; elsewhere holds the risk of panic attacks and other things he’d rather not tell Kyungsoo about just yet. 

“Let’s watch a movie. Or something.” 

“Or something?” 

“I dunno, I’m pretty broke. Do you have anything here?” Kyungsoo plays with the cushion in his lap distractedly “I mean if you’d rather study or something that’s fine I just-”

“No, no, movie sounds good. I’ll go get Tae’s laptop. He’ll have something on there.” Jongin scrambles to his feet, rushing to his friend’s room. 

“Are you sure he won't mind?” Kyungsoo yells from his position on the couch.

“Yeah, it’s cool. He steals mine all the time, anyway.” he returns to the lounge, cord for Taemin’s laptop wrapped awkwardly around his arm, the plug dragging along the carpet as he walks. 

“Here let me-” Kyungsoo’s hand brushes Jongin’s as he tries to take the laptop from his hands; Jongin almost drops the computer in shock. 

He’s comfortable enough with Kyungsoo that they can hold proper conversations, but casual contact still leaves him reeling. Jongin inwardly scolds himself as Kyungsoo begins attaching the laptop to the television screen. 

“What do you want to watch?” asks Kyungsoo as he scrolls through folders on Taemin’s computer, pausing to giggle at the porn titles. 

“I dunno, whatever you want.” comes Jongin’s reply. 

“Helpful.” Kyungsoo snorts. He exclaims loudly when he finds a title he likes and quickly presses play before heading back to the couch. Jongin joins him, sitting a respectful distance away from the other male. 

“I thought you were sick of Romans?” he says quietly, as the intro credits for 300 starts to play. 

“Spartans were Greeks, not Romans.” mumbles Kyungsoo “Plus, Gerard Butler is shirtless. I will never be so sick of history that I’d pass up a shirtless Gerard Butler.” 

“Fair enough.” 

To be honest, Jongin pays more attention to Kyungsoo than the movie. It’s cliche, but it’s hard to watch anything else, especially when Kyungsoo decides to use his shoulder as a pillow, cuddling his arm and sighing contently and he continues to watch the battles on screen. 

“Enjoying the movie?” Kyungsoo asks, warm breath hitting Jongin’s neck as he talks. 

“Yeah.” and then Kyungsoo is turning to him and smiling, it’s different to the ones he’s used to. Once upon a time, Jongin thought Kyungsoo’s smiles were beautiful. 

But now he knows they’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. 

✄ ✄ ✄ 

**From: Kyungsoo**

Hey. You’re not in class today. Is everything alright?

**From: Kyungsoo**

Taemin told me you were sick and that I couldn’t see you. Are you that contagious?

**From: Kyungsoo**

Get better soon. 

 

“Get your shit together.” says Taemin from the doorway. “Your boyfriend keeps coming over to see you. It’s getting harder to send him away, he looks like a kicked puppy.” 

“He’s not my boyfriend, you asshole.” comes Jongin’s muffled reply. His head is buried in blankets. He rearranges them carefully, allowing fresh air to reach his nose. Jongin hasn’t showered in three days, and the smell has sunk into his doona. 

He feels Taemin sit on the end of his bed, hand coming up to the Jongin-shaped mound of blankets and stroking his back through the layers of cloth. 

“You were doing so well, what happened, man.” Taemin’s voice is soft. His touch is softer.

“I woke up one morning and remembered I hate myself.” Jongin’s voice is monotone. 

“So you decided to stay in bed all day.” Taemin’s hand pauses. It’s a familiar routine. Jongin gets depressed, gets anxious. Taemin cares until he realises the cause is something seemingly insignificant. He stops caring. Rinse and repeat. 

“Yep.” There’s an uncomfortable silence. 

“Next time Kyungsoo comes over, I’m going to let him in.” the weight leaves Jongin’s bed. 

“Kyungsoo won't make me feel any less depressed.” replies Jongin. And it’s the truth. He’s searched for cures for the emptiness, for the weight in his chest that won't budge. It goes away sometimes, but it comes back, it always does. Though right now, Jongin feels like he’ll never be happy again.

Taemin slams the door as he leaves. On his bedside table, Jongin’s phone whistles, notifying him of an incoming message. 

**From: Kyungsoo**

Please reply, Jongin. I miss you. 

✄ ✄ ✄ 

It’s the worst, the absolute worst, when the anxiety and depression hit all at once. Four panic attacks later and Jongin hates himself as much as Taemin does, the latter refusing to acknowledge his presence. In fact, Taemin’s all but up and moved into his girlfriends house for the duration of Jongin’s relapse, if the passive-aggressive note Taemin left him, reading _“Call me when you’re normal”_ is anything to go by. 

Jongin’s not quite sure how long its been there, considering his trip into the kitchen is the first time in three days; his stomach finally grumbling in protest from the lack of food. Jongin’s making his way back to his pile of blankets, bowl of cereal in hand, when there’s a knock on the door. 

Both the landlord and Taemin have keys. 

Jongin panics. 

His vision begins to swim and his hands shake, spilling milk and cereal over his hands and feet as it splashes on the ground, the bowl quickly following with a shatter. He doesn’t even acknowledge the milk seeping into the bottom of his sweatpants, all he can feel is the all familiar _fear fear fear_ as it takes control of him once more. His fingers fly to his forearms again, breaking through the healing scabs as he scratches, sobbing and hyperventilating into his chest. 

It’s so much nicer. So much safer. The white noise clears and Jongin can see the crease of Kyungsoo’s brows, his beautiful lips frowning when they should be smiling. His expression doesn’t shift, even when he moves to brush the tears from Jongin’s cheeks. 

“I- I- I’m sorry y-you had to see t-that” Jongin hiccups, resting his head the crook of Kyungsoo’s shoulder. He sniffles, and manages to take in the other male’s scent, reminding himself that he hasn’t showered in days. He must stink. His left leg is still shaking. 

“I’m sorry I caused that” says Kyungsoo, running his hands through Jongin’s hair, wincing slightly as his fingers get caught in the greasy strands. “Taemin warned me that this might happen but I-” he makes a garbled noise, and Jongin shifts his head to see that he’s crying. 

“Don’t cry for me, ‘Soo” Jongin mumbles from his shoulder. 

“I’ll be alright.” Kyungsoo smiles through the tears. It’s not his pretty smile, Jongin notes, but it’s still the most beautiful thing he’s seen in days. “Now go shower, you smell terrible.” 

Jongin laughs as he gets to his feet shakily. He makes his way towards the bathroom, as he closes the door, he sees Kyungsoo sink to the ground, knees soaked in milk, as he begins to sob. Jongin’s heart clenches at the sight. 

 

 

 

 

“So, that was a panic attack.” says Kyungsoo as Jongin returns from the shower. His eyes are puffy, Jongin notes, but at least he’s no longer crying. The floor in the hallway is mysteriously devoid of milk, cereal and broken bowls. Jongin’s heart aches at the thought of Kyungsoo crying as he cleaned the mess Jongin made. 

“Yeah. I get them sometimes. All the time.” Jongin replies, eyes on the cushion in his lap. His left leg twitches.

“I know. Taemin told me.” Jongin’s eyes snap to Kyungsoo, there’s an unreadable expression on his face.

“He what!?” Jongin is mad. So mad, how dare Taemin tell Kyungsoo, how dare he-

“I wanted to know what was wrong. I wanted to know why you were ignoring me.” his voice is small, unsure. It’s obvious he’s hurt and Jongin feels terrible. “I thought you hated me.”

“I could never hate you.” Jongin reaches out to Kyungsoo, placing his hand on top of his. It’s the first contact Jongin’s initiated. Kyungsoo looks up in shock. 

He wrenches his hand away, angrily. Jongin dejectedly places his own back on the pillow. 

“You never told me about this. You told me about your sisters, your dogs, your dreams. You never once hinted at this, that you’re depressed, that you have anxiety. I had to find out from Taemin.” He’s crying again, and just the sight of it has Jongin crying too. 

“I thought we were friends” he says quietly “I thought we were more…” 

Jongin hears it, though he thinks he wasn’t supposed to. 

“What was that?” He asks, his heart racing. 

“I don’t even know if I read the signs right, or if this is even the right time to talk about it, I mean” Kyungsoo sighs, running his hand through his hair “I’ve been pretty obvious with how I feel, but you never really reacted to it, but you never really pushed me away either.” 

“I did react, it just wasn’t in a way you were used to, I think. Because of the whole,” Jongin waves his hands around his head, motioning at his temples “brain thing. You know….” he trails off, moving to place his hand on Kyungsoo’s once more. He’s not rejected this time, so he shifts closer, lacing their fingers together. 

Kyungsoo smiles. It’s still as beautiful as he remembers. 

“I should warn you. It’s not going to be easy dating me. I don’t like crowds too much, or being in public or-” Kyungsoo shuts him up with a kiss on his cheek. Jongin goes silent as his free hand reaches up to touch the spot. 

Kyungsoo giggles at the action. 

“I know. But I like you for who you are.” he motions his free hand in an imitation of Jongin’s earlier actions “brain things included.” 

“Thank you.” Jongin breathes, shifting closer to Kyungsoo. The other male mimics his action, turning his face towards Jongin’s, eyes closing slowly as their lips meet in a chaste kiss. 

Kyungsoo draws back and he’s smiling, again. 

It is most definitely the most beautiful thing Jongin has ever seen. 

✄ ✄ ✄ 

 

“Gross!” Taemin yells as he walks through the door. Jongin hastily scrambles off Kyungsoo, separating their lips and removing his hand from up his boyfriend’s shirt. 

“But at least you got it in, well done my friend. I’m so proud.” Taemin’s halfway through wiping an imaginary tear when a pillow hits him in the face. 

“Shut up.” Jongin mumbles. Kyungsoo laughs and begins fixing Jongin’s messy hair, the latter contentedly leaning into the touch. 

“My previous comment still stands.” Taemin says as he removes his shoes, “previous two comments, actually.” Kyungsoo is still fixing Jongin’s hair in between small kisses to his neck. 

“Get a room.” he laughs “Never thought I’d be saying that to Jongin, to be honest.” 

“You complained about me being single, now you’re complaining about me being in a relationship. Make up your mind.” Jongin pouts.

“I’m not complaining that you finally found someone” Taemin says flippantly as he heads towards the kitchen “I’m complaining that you felt the need to fuck on my couch.”

“We weren’t-” Jongin starts.

“No, but you were _going_ to.” Yells Taemin from the kitchen. Kyungsoo laughs into his neck. “Shared space man, save that for your bedroom.”

Taemin pops his head around the kitchen door, glass of soda in one hand. His eyes narrow, and with his free hand he motions “I’m watching you” before disappearing again.

“I should go.” says Kyungsoo, fingers idly playing with Jongin’s where they rest on his stomach. 

“You don’t have to.” Jongin turns his head slightly to place a kiss on his lips and Kyungsoo sighs into it. 

“I don’t want to, but I should. I have an essay due tomorrow.” He shifts from his position, making his way to the front door. 

“I’ll call you” he says as he slips his shoes on. Jongin sinks back into the couch as the door shuts, grin threatening to overtake his face.

“Wow, you’re practically glowing.” Taemin sets his soda down on the coffee table before taking a seat next to Jongin. 

“I’m just… really happy.” Replies Jongin.

“I’m happy you’re happy.” Taemin pats his knee, before letting his hand fall in between them on the couch. 

“You know what I said about Kyungsoo not curing my depression?” Jongin says after a moment, “I was wrong. He fixes everything. I can’t find it within myself to be sad when he’s around, and if I’m scared he makes it better.” 

“That’s good to hear.” There’s a genuine smile on Taemin’s face, and Jongin can’t remember the last time he saw it. No matter how Jongin feels, there’s always underlying tension, uncertainty, in the way that Taemin acts around him. Like Jongin could break at any moment. 

“It’s late.” Taemin yawns, making his way towards his bedroom. He leaves his empty glass on the coffee table, when he’d usually make a show of rinsing it out in the kitchen sink just to prove a point to Jongin. Things have really started to change. 

“You should go to bed, too.” he says from the doorway “dream of Kyungsoo’.

And dream Jongin does. He dreams of wide smiles, and someone who makes his life worth living. He’s all but forgotten how the afternoon light looks as it reflects off his posters. He has something far more beautiful to look at. 

✄ ✄ ✄ 

“How are you feeling?” Kyungsoo’s thumb rubs over the back of Jongin’s knuckles soothingly. 

“I’m...good. Scared. But good.” Jongin’s eyes are tightly closed as he focuses on his breathing. 

“If things get too much, I can take you home.” His voice is soothing, non-pressuring. Jongin is touched that Kyungsoo would ditch their final exam just to take care of Jongin. 

“I’ll be alright. Everyone gets pre-exam nerves.” He lets out a shaky breath. 

“But not everyone has anxiety, Jongin.” Kyungsoo is worried, of course he is. 

“And not everyone with anxiety has someone like you to take care of them” Jongin replies with a final exhale, opening his eyes to meet Kyungsoo’s. “If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t even be here.”

“You give me far too much credit.”

“You give yourself too little.” 

There’s a flurry of movement as the doors to the lecture hall open, students making their way in. They look nervous, sleep-deprived. Some are still hastily cramming as they walk through the doors. 

With a deep breath, Jongin stands, using their still entwined fingers to pull Kyungsoo to his feet. 

“Let’s do this.” He says with a strained smile. 

Kyungsoo smiles back.

It’s beautiful. Just beautiful. 

 

 

 

“Time’s up!” calls the lecturer. The remaining students release a collective groan and Jongin stares at his paper. He’s done well, or so he thinks. The ratio of things he knew versus things he didn’t was a lot higher than the previous exam he sat. He catches Kyungsoo’s eye and flicks him a quick thumbs up. His boyfriend’s lips quirk upwards in a small smile as he arranges his papers. 

They link their pinky fingers together as they make their way to the front of the hall, handing their exams into the professor before rushing out the door. The second they breach the hallway, Kyungsoo all but jumps on Jongin as they hug.

“You did it! I’m so proud of you, Jongin!” he shouts, drawing the attention of the students around them. 

“It’s all thanks to you.” he replies. 

“I think we should do something to celebrate” Kyungsoo still hasn’t let go of Jongin, swaying gently as they continue to hug in the hallway. 

“Well, Taemin’s at Naeun’s for a few days…” starts Jongin, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. 

Kyungsoo grabs his hand and all but runs back to Jongin’s apartment, smirking wickedly the entire way. 

 

✄ ✄ ✄ 

 

Jongin’s nervous. But not for the usual reasons. There’s no crowd, no exam, no wide open space. Just his boyfriend and a bottle of bleach. 

“C’mon Jongin, it’ll be fun! Something crazy for the holidays.” There’s a snap as Kyungsoo pulls on his gloves, shaking his newly-dyed red hair out of his face. 

“I dunno… what if it looks bad?” Jongin fidgets on the seat Kyungsoo had pulled into the bathroom. 

“If it looks bad we just dye it back.” Kyungsoo shrugs “Plus, you dyed my hair, it’s only fair that I dye yours.” 

But why _blond?_ ” Jongin moans. “I mean… it’s so extreme. Eye catching. None of those things describe me at all.” 

“Hey, you were the one who wanted to dye it” Kyungsoo smacks him lightly along the back of his head with the mixing brush “a new look for a new start and all that.” 

“I- fine. Do what you will.” Jongin closes his eyes tightly as the scent of bleach fills the small bathroom. 

“Don’t turn me into the bad guy, Kim Jongin.” Kyungsoo says as he begins applying the dye. “This was all your idea.” 

“Why couldn’t I have gone a more normal colour, like light brown, or red?” he coughs lightly as the fumes settle in the back of his throat. 

“Too late now.” Kyungsoo hums. An easy silence falls as Kyungsoo works the dye into Jongin’s hair, massaging his scalp to reach the roots. 

He pulls Jongin’s head back and leans forwards for a kiss, lips meeting awkwardly because of the awkward angle. Kyungsoo is smiling, and Jongin doesn’t think he’ll ever get over how beautiful he looks, or how he smiles after every kiss; like kissing Jongin is his favourite thing in the world. 

“I love you.” Kyungsoo says quietly, eyes still closed and smile still on his lips. 

Jongin jerks back suddenly, unprepared for the sudden confession. A hurt look flashes across Kyungsoo’s face. He looks like he’s about to cry.

“I… I don’t know what love is,” Jongin takes a shaky breath, his emotions swirl and change; he’s nervous, he’s scared but most of all he’s determined not to hurt Kyungsoo with his words. 

“Love is an emotion I haven’t felt in a long time, I can’t remember what it feels like. But when I’m with you, when I watch you smile, I don’t feel numb. Sometimes it’s hard for me to name an emotion that’s not negative. But you make me feel things I thought I would never feel again. Is this love? It could be. I hope it is. I want to be in love with you.”

“I’ll take that” Kyungsoo’s eyes are glassy with unshed tears, but he’s smiling that gorgeous smile that lights up Jongin’s darkness. “I’ll take that for now, and I’ll wait for the day when you know you love me.” 

Jongin surges forward to meet his lips again, a bittersweet kiss. It’s not the answer Kyungsoo was hoping for, but Jongin’s progressing in leaps and bounds, so he knows that one day soon, he’ll be able to answer in kind. 

“C’mon,” Kyungsoo says as he breaks the kiss “we need to wash that dye out of your hair.” 

Kyungsoo kisses him repeatedly as he runs his fingers through Jongin’s hair as he rinses the bleach out in the sink. 

Applying the toner to his hair is interrupted further as Jongin pulls him in for more, Kyungsoo breaking away with a smear of purple along his cheek from where the toner met his skin. 

“I think… I think we left the toner in a little too long.” Kyungsoo says as he towel dries Jongin’s hair. 

“Hmm, why is that?” he asks distractedly, basking in the feeling of Kyungsoo’s nails dragging lightly across his scalp. 

“Your hair is less blond and more… silver.” 

Jongin glances in the mirror and is shocked at how pale his hair is in contrast to his skin. 

It’s different, it’s new, but it looks good. 

“I like it anyway.” he replies. 

“Me too.” Kyungsoo presses his lips against Jongin’s cheek, drawing back to look at their joint reflection in the mirror. 

Kyungsoo’s hair; red for passion, a new found love contrasts wonderfully with Jongin’s silver; a clean slate and a fresh start. 

They look good. 

Their eyes meet. 

The smiles they exchange are nothing but beautiful.

✄ ✄ ✄ 

**From: Kyungsoo.**

You’re MIA again. Is everything okay?

**To: Kyungsoo.**

No. 

**From: Kyungsoo.**

Up for company?

**To: Kyungsoo.**

If it’s you? Always. 

 

“I brought ice cream!” Kyungsoo’s voice rings out through the apartment. Jongin groans at how cheerful he sounds. He’s not in the mood for cheerful. He’s in the mood for a nap. His eyes begin to close, and the last thing he sees is the soft glow of the afternoon sunshine on his posters. It’s pretty, he notices. So pretty.

“Hey, you can’t just invite me over and then sleep.” says Kyungsoo from the doorway. He’s armed with bowls, spoons and a tub of choc chip icecream.

“ ‘m tired” Jongin groans from underneath his blankets. 

“You said that yesterday. And the day before. At least sit with me for a while and eat some ice cream.” Kyungsoo sits on the end of his bed but Jongin makes no move to acknowledge him, eyes slipping closed as the silence drags on. 

There’s a soft sigh and a clink as Kyungsoo places the bowls on the floor, using his now freehand to reach up and stroke at Jongin’s matted hair. He absentmindedly notices the regrowth in Jongin’s hair, the black clashing horribly with the silver. 

“Sleep. I’ll come by again tomorrow, okay?” Jongin cracks an eye open to see Kyungsoo smiling. The usual rush of warmth he feels when seeing Kyungsoo’s smile is gone. He doesn’t understand his past self, finding the stretch of his lips endearing, beautiful. Right now it’s nothing but annoying. 

He makes no move to reply, closing his eyes once more and rolling out of Kyungsoo’s reach. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Jongin.” He whispers, sounding hurt. Jongin can’t find it within himself to care. 

Feigning sleep, he waits until the door closes before opening his eyes, sitting up and watching the light dance along his walls, until a restless sleep takes him. 

✄ ✄ ✄ 

 

“I’m going to Naeun’s. You know the deal. Call me when you’re normal. Or call Kyungsoo. God knows how he puts up with your shit.” Taemin says from the door. He’s obviously angry, but Jongin really doesn’t care. He just wants to go back to sleep. 

The door slams as he leaves. Jongin basks in the silence. 

Somewhere in his room, his phone notifies him of an incoming message. It’s probably Kyungsoo. Jongin sighs and gets out of bed, lethargically searching for his phone. He hasn’t replied to his boyfriends messages in two weeks, but he still reads them.

**From: Kyungsoo.**

I just found out from Taemin that you’ve dropped out of all your classes. What the fuck, Jongin? Why didn't you tell me?

Jongin throws his phone onto his bedside table, knocking over an empty glass and sends the mug behind it crashing to the floor. Week old tea soaks into the floorboards and Jongin stares at it for a moment before getting back into bed. 

He’s not in the mood for anyone, today. He doubts he’ll be in the mood for a very long time. 

 

 

 

 

**From: Kyungsoo.**

It’s been three weeks since I last heard from you. I’ll be over in twenty minutes. You better be awake. 

**From: Kyungsoo.**

Taemin gave me a spare key. If you’re not awake I will be coming in to wake you up.

 

Jongin groans. He _really_ doesn’t want to see anyone today. Taemin got the hint, why can’t Kyungsoo? All he wants is to be left alone. 

He drifts back to sleep, wondering idly if Kyungsoo will really act on his threats. 

 

“Your room is disgusting.” Kyungsoo’s livid tone of voice stirs Jongin from his slumber, but he doesn’t move as he wakes up, merely opening his eyes to look at Kyungsoo angrily. 

“Go away.” he says into his pillow “I don’t want to deal with people today.” 

“You don’t want-” Kyungsoo runs a hand through his hair angrily “Jongin, you’re my boyfriend. I want to see you more than once a month. I don’t care if you’re depressed, I just want to spend time with you.”

“And I said, I don’t want to spend time with you.” Jongin replies “I don’t want to do anything. Why can’t you understand that?”

“You’re right, Jongin. I don’t understand. You were doing so well! Everything was wonderful and then one day you woke up and decided that nothing’s okay anymore.”

“It’s called a relapse,” says Jongin, voice monotone. “It happens.”

“I thought I was supposed to help you through that. I thought I was supposed to help make everything better?” He reaches out to touch Jongin’s face, but he jerks away angrily. 

“Don’t touch me.” He mutters, and Kyungsoo withdraws his hand like it’s been burnt. 

“Jongin….”

“You were supposed to be my cure, but you did shit. It all came back anyway, and it came back worse than before.” Jongin makes an angry noise into his pillow. “Just… go away. I’ll call you later. When I feel better. If I feel better.”

Kyungsoo’s hands clench into fists by his sides. He’s been suppressing tears since the moment he walked into the apartment, but at his boyfriends words they begin to fall freely down his cheeks.

“Do you think watching you lie there, not even looking me in the eye when you tell me you don’t fucking need me anymore is all sunshine and fucking rainbows for me? Do you Jongin?” Kyungsoo’s voice is high pitched as he chokes back sobs. 

Jongin stays motionless and unresponsive. He’s not in the mood for this, not now, not ever. 

“ I put up with this because I loved you. I loved you so much and you didn’t even have the decency to say it back.” He lets out a ragged sigh, calming his nerves. 

“I’m done, Jongin. You can’t keep living like this, you can’t keep expecting me to pick up the pieces every time you break. You can’t use me as a crutch then throw me away” Kyungsoo’s voice is shaking, he’s bearing his heart and he’s crying through it all and Jongin doesn’t even indicate that he’s even noticed how hard this is for him. Like he doesn’t care that Kyungsoo is standing there, breaking his own heart in two.

“I was so willing to help you through this. There is nothing I wanted more than to see you happy again, finally. But now I’ve realised that you don’t want to get better. You’re too obsessed with your own downfall and wallowing in self pity to give a fuck about anything else.”

Kyungsoo sighs, taking one last look at his boyfriend before heading to the door. 

“Goodbye, Jongin. Enjoy the rest of your sad, lonely little life.”

And with that he walks away. 

For the first time since Kyungsoo’s visit, Jongin moves; turning his head slightly he watches as the light plays along the glossy surface of his posters. 

 

He's never seen anything more beautiful.

**Author's Note:**

> I've started on an OT12 sequel, it's only up on AFF at the moment, but I'll fix up the formatting and post it here eventually. If you can't wait that long, here is the link~~ http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/956014/anaclitic-sliceoflife-kray-kaisoo-taohun-mentalhospital-hospitalau


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